The new year upon us, as are the news stories about the plethora of new laws that take effect at all levels of government. Some are good, but unfortunately most are bad or just annoying at best because, of course what society needs is even more government overreach into our day-to-day lives to make things better.
Anyway, I decided that I wanted to get in on the fun and write a few laws myself. None of my suggestions will be likely to change society drastically. There’s nothing to revamp the economy, or healthcare, or even national defense. They’re just some changes that will make life better, easier and far more enjoyable for years to come.
- Radio stations should only be able to play songs from Nirvana’s Nevermind once a year. This should help prevent Smells Like Teen Spirit from being ruined for future generations.
- Anyone who goes into a craft brewery or craft beer bar and asks for “The closest thing you have to (insert big three brewery name here) light beer” can legally, without comment or forewarning, be slapped by the bartender or server.
- Any artist who uses auto-tune and a drum machine cannot be allowed to call what they do “country” especially if they do not use a steel guitar and a Telecaster. It’s just false advertising.
- Dueling should be legalized under the Code Deuello rules, and encouraged because it will cut down on random shootings, frivolous law suits, cutting in lines, and needless yelling at waiters.
- Under penalty of a $500 fine, anyone who orders a quality whiskey in any fashion other than neat or with the maximum of a single drop of water, shall be forced to add “because I’m a candyass.” at the end of their order.
- Diehard shall forever more be classified as a Christmas movie and must be listed as such by all proprietors either physical or virtual.
- Stores shall be banned from selling Christmas decorations before Halloween. Even placing red and green ribbon less than twenty-four inches apart shall result in a fine.
- In the same way that the ancient Egyptians erased bad Pharaohs from their records to never be remembered again, so should Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull forever be erased from ours. Conversely, May 22nd can be named George Lucas Day so he can be remembered in the same way the British remember Guy Fawkes and burn effigies of him for his traitorous act.
- Cromulent should officially be added to the dictionary.
- Convicted child molesters should all be released from prison. Once released, the child molesters can be hunted for sport.
- Ban the shift, two infielders on each side of second. (This one is just common sense as more base runners and fewer strikeouts will only make the game better.)
- Under penalty of thirty days imprisonment, men cannot wear sleeveless shirts to weddings or funerals. No exceptions either, not even beach weddings. (I’ve seen both and it’s just plain wrong.)
Those are my suggestions for twelve ways to make the world a more fun and interesting, if not better place. Let me know what you think and feel free to add your own below. Let the debate begin.
